"In order to see birds it is necessary to become part of the silence." - R. Lynd

This morning I had a pleasant surprise. I parked on the 6th floor of the parking garage as I'm still trying to get exercise and noticed a lone pigeon wondering around. Most people hate pigeons, but I like them as I like all birds. I watched this pigeon and then noticed two others, but they were baby pigeons! I have never seen a baby pigeon before. I think they "nest" behind one of the concrete pillar-blocks in the garage. The babies are so cute and make little chirping noises because they wanted food. I didn't have anything to feed them, but I was able to get pretty close. Pigeons are not that bright and not afraid that much, so they didn't really move. The babies flapped their stubby wings and then went back behind the pillar. It was wonderful.

Hopefully, 4th of July plans are in place for all. I'm going to a BBQ, which will be fun. Most importantly, I'm sleeping in tomorrow morning and then working on packing up more stuff. Can't wait to move! So many people are moving out of the place I'm at.

I discovered this morning that I have lost 6 pounds since I started weighing myself. This is quite good news for me. I hope it turns in to 20 before I hit the first slump. The first slump is hard and depressing because your body has re-adjusted and you stop losing weight until you make even more changes in your lifestyle. I hate that slump. But, for now, I'm going down on the scale and that is great!

If anyone wants to check out my new digs, the website is
http://www.archstoneapartments.com/Apartments/California/Northern_California/Archstone_Monterey_Grove/

A cute little squirrel was running around the tree right outside my kitchen windows. Lou was enthralled and now I know who has been running across the roof (I thought it was a rat!).

So, my mid-probationary review went very well. My boss was very nice and complimentary. He explained to me why I was chosen to be the permanent RPAI not an over-strength, which was very nice to hear. He actually said I have a good talent and he wants to cultivate that. My areas for growth are on being more assertive in group settings and making sure I participate fully in site visits and dealings with clients. Both are things I would agree with, so it was good. He even kept my ratings, so I got a few above average.

Very happy about that especially since I made the decision to move over the weekend. I found the perfect place with everything I want and I can afford it. Money will not be flowing and I won't have much disposable income, but I will have a wonderful apartment and I think it will aid me in my pursuit of self-improvement and re-design on how I see myself. I move in late July and am already packing, since I'm so excited!

Weight loss is going slow, but at least it's going. I'm trying to balance enjoying food, enjoying eating out, and being healthy. Some days I do great and others not so great, but the important thing for me is constantly moving forward. I no longer beat myself up or dwell on the fact that I ate a sweet. I just move forward and get back to my good habits the next day. This doesn't mean I'm condoning eating awfully all the time, but I'm in the stage of growth and learning. I'm just done being so bogged down with little things in my life.

I'm relaxing and enjoying life more. I'm not sweating the small stuff. I'm working on not being stressed out about everything, but that's the hard one for me.

I had an absolutely lovely graduation weekend and I'm so great-ful for everyone that was able to share in the weekend activities. This is the first time that the ceremony really didn't mean anything to me; it didn't feel special or worthwhile. I would have enjoyed it more if I had just spent time with folks than sit through the boring ceremony. Plus, I didn't have any fellow students graduating with me and my professor didn't even show up to present me, so I felt quite out of place and bored. I thought it would be meaningful and provide some kind of closure to my Davis saga, but it really didn't. Anyhow, the day, other than that, was wonderful and I'm thrilled everyone took the time to celebrate with me.

Yesterday morning I was treated to a flight show by the three young falcons. At first, as I was walking in to work, I heard one of them and saw it flapping and occasionally soaring overhead. I just stopped and watched .... googling and oohing. Then a second falcon joined in and they flapped and soared together. As I continued walking, the third young falcon joined in. It is so amazing to watch them learn how to fly gracefully, how to soar, how to land, and how to be predators. I'm amazed.

This morning was a great morning as I'm finally seeing a bit of weight loss again. I get so discouraged, even thought I know I cannot lose weight quickly. I hate it when I stay at the same weight for days, but I understand that weight loss is a spiral, not an even progression.

I'm really enjoying working with healthier foods and finding that, surprisingly, I enjoy them and feel better when I eat them. I hardly get sick when I eat well and jsut feel better. I don't have these mid-day crashes from my sugar wearing off. As I start my food log once again, I can realize where the bad habits remain and what I can work on.

I just love Kashi food! Amazingly great tasting and healthy. I'm also trying to eat at home more because I can control what goes in to my food and how much. I'm really enjoying my home-made pasta dish:

1-cup whole wheat organics pasta from Safeway

While that's cooking, I make up the sauce:
1- onion
3- garlic gloves
1-tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1- bell pepper
3-4 tomatoes
seasoning
Spinach

It's a pretty healthy meal and I get the taste of pasta, which I love, and plenty of veggies and it fills me up nicely without being stuffed. I'm really trying to avoid over-feeding myself anymore. My latest x off the food list is salami. I realized I was eating too much of it and it is very unhealthy, so I've decided that salami needs to go.

Weight loss is such a pain, but it makes me a better person. I've eaten so poorly for so long that now I can really appreciate being healthier and how important it is. I don't have a clue how long it will take to reach my first target, but the process is the important thing. I just want to be healthy and I know I'm not right now. I was dancing this morning when I stepped on the scale!!!

Next Monday, I have my mid-probationary performance evaluation review meeting. Ekk. Freaks me out, but I'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

My new hobby is downloading songs from i-tunes. I got a gift card for $15 and got 15 new songs last night. It is so much fun and I just love having new music to listen to. Makes me in a good mood in the mornings.

OMG Today had been amazing. I was treated to a young falcon flight this morning as I walked into work. The falcon was perched high on top of the City Hall structure and cacking, as I think it wanted food or was frustrated. It flapped and took off. Amazing to watch it flap and soar and flap and soar. Then as I walked back from Starbucks, the facilities managers were taping off the walk in front of City Hall. Sure enough a young falcon was perched right at eye level checking out the interior of the building. I never thought I would get amazing birding at City Hall.

Off to Monterey for the Employee Recognition Event.

Two more days!!! I cannot wait until my Dad and Aubrey arrive. I'm so excited to see them and for the festivities of the weekend. Time just flies by (except at work, hehe).

All three falcon chicks have now fledged. It's a bittersweet time for all us
"falcon-actics." We are very thrilled to have 3 successful fledglings, but sad to not have them around ot observe. Of course, I'd rather them be flying around free and wild, but they were so amazing to watch. I'll have to wait for "season 2."

The weekend was so crazy for me as I was house-sitting and getting all these loose ends tied up prior to graduation time. Still have much to get done tonight and tomorrow, but I like to keep busy.

Visited the Mendez's in Brentwood over the weekend, which was lovely as always. I miss spending time up there, but the drive drives me crazy! I cannot stand Vasco Rd. Got my piano music, but then I banged my little finger into the door frame yesterday, so I cannot play or do much with it currently. Hopefully, it will heal quickly. I ordered a nice music book and am trying to clear some space in my apartment.

Pretty much feeling comfortable with not moving in the near future. I, instead, want to focus on putting money in savings,s o I can build some cushion, a nest egg, etc. It just makes the most sense to me. I have enough room for me and Lou and do not need to be worrying about extra rent money each month, needing new furniture for a larger place, moving expenses, etc. I'm working on balancing out my current lifestyle. Who knows in a week, I'll probably be back to wanting to move.

Hiko, the male juvenile falcon, fledged this afternoon. Rather, he was pushed off the lower ledge by his sisters. I was looking at the cam and at my spreadsheet. I kept watching the 3 juveniles and Clara sitting up high and glanced away and back to see that there were only 2 and the camera was panning the city. From the posts, apparently, Hiko was nudged off by the girls and fell 3 stories (from the 18th floor) at which point he caught himself and started flying. Clara was amazing. She was right underneath him when he fell and flew under him until he safely landed on a tree. She was back with the girls in about a minute and Hiko did a great job on his first flight. So amazing and humorous. This is not the norm for a falcon's first flight.

Happy soaring Hiko!!!

I am so excited about my upcoming graduation and the ensuing weekend! Time has flown by so fast. I remember when I was registering for graduation back in April and now it is here. I have so much to get done between now and then, but it is nice to be busy on occasion.

This past weekend was amazing as Claudia and I trekked up to Santa Cruz for the peregrine falcon release. It was so lovely. I have picture, but need to take the time to upload them. The juvenile falcon we got to watch is "Little G" the offspring of George and Gracie in SF. She was so beautiful and wonderful to watch. I could just sit and watch these amazing birds all day long. Plus, I absolutely love the coast; it feels like home to me. I will live on the coast some day.

I have a direction at work. Post probation, I am going to start on the Analyst classes so I can get my certificate and then possibly an Analyst position. I just have to bide my time right now.

I'm thinking a lot about moving to a one-bedroom apartment. There is a complex I really like and it on a wonderful bike trail, so I could bike at least on the weekends and possibly even some evenings after work. It is just hard for me to commit to the extra rent money each month. I'm torn.

Mother's Day for me kind of sucks. We are bombarded constantly with advertising about this and that for mother's day and not having my Mom to celebrate with sucks. I know I'm not expressing this the most eloquently, but oh well. The day was just a drag. I took an hour and a half walk, but that didn't even pick me up. I did wish Mom happy mother's day and bought some alstromerias in her memory. And thanks Dad for the lovely ecard with beautiful thoughts on Mom. All I can think of is that is it weird when half of your parents is no longer around, but Dad, I love you and appreciate you all the more.

Got to see a real live peregrine falcon today!! Amazing. He is one of the tame ones that the Santa Cruz Predatory Bird Group has and he just perched all through the session. We got to hear a few calls from him and just watch him. Regal and awesome. I was thrilled! Then I ran in to an old co-worker and we chatted a bit. She's doing a lot of the advertising/merchandising relating to the falcons. Neato.

Found out my probation is in fact a year, even though my offer letter says 6 months. Frustrating!

This week has been nice at work. I feel like I'm made some accomplishments on my assigned tasks and I'm very pleased. Plus, I think my supervisor is pleased as well. Anyhow, I'm very glad it's Friday because I need a break! It was hard getting up this morning and I'm glad it's a short day.

Got some new-used furniture for my place free from a friend, so I'm enjoying re-arranging my place and trying to economize on space and give it the most open feel I can. The apartments I've always wanted to live in have a deal going on that I could *afford* but it would leave me with no extra money for savings or anything. Think I'll wait until August and see if the rates get any better.

Lou is bored and I REALLY want a balcony for her to enjoy. She just wants me to sit and play with her, but I'm home so little that it's hard. I love that cat, but I don't know that I always provide the best home for her.

Well, time for me to grab lunch! I'm hungry.

PS- The falcons are amazing. I've learned that they are a top predator, so they don't really have to worry about being eaten. However, these two have defended their territory more than once. What I would give to witness that. The chicks are growing fast and it's so amazing to watch. I'm captivated by these amazing creatures.

PSS- I predict a Melinda-Jordin show down for American Idol. I hope Melinda wins because she has the best voice by far, but I think Jordin will win because she is commercial, young, and has "star appeal". We'll see.....

This weekend was lovely! St. Helena and the Napa Valley are just beautiful. The weather was too hot for my taste, but the scenery was amazing. We visited Clos Pegas and Sterling wineries on Saturday. Sterling is this amazing grecian-styled winery up on a hill. We took a tram up to it and tasted 5 wines as we self-toured the place. Part of it is this deck overlooking the wine country and the castle above HWY 29. I could have stayed up there forever!

Sunday we went to Oakland for a jazz concert. It was a neat experience, but the music was not quite my style. However, after visiting my grandparents and the concert, I am missing my piano and playing so much. I just want to sit and play piano only, I don't have a piano. Frustrating!

Hard to settle back to the routine after such a lovely weekend, but it must be done. Mary Lou was not thrilled with my being gone all weekend. She learned Tobey's habits of meowing all the time, so now she meows all the time.

I learned from my neighbor on the right that I am very quiet and the cat did not bother her at all. She said that she never hears a peep from me. Now, of course, I have tremendous guilt feelings for giving Tobey up, but I have to remember that he was traumatizing Lou and making it impossible for me to sleep. Part of me really wants to see if he's still at the shelter and get him back, but I know that's an error. It's just hard for me to deal with.

My attempts at healthier eating and living come with much difficulty. The sermon on Sunday seemed for me. It was about insurmountable obstacles and that is what weight loss is to me. I just get so discouraged and it was nice to hear a message about coping with these obstacles.

The falcons are amazing!! The parents are so lovely and the chicks have grown so much. I love it when both parents are on the nest with the chicks. Too precious for words.

Watching the falcons and their young is the most incredible experience. I can't put it in words. Being able to observe wild creatures just "do their thing" is amazing and magical. I just sit and watch them. I got to see Jose and Clara soaring for a bit today while I was walking back from lunch. I'm enamored with these birds. What is also amazing the the sense of community and togetherness the falcons have created. The City, the Santa Cruz conservation group, the media, the community, etc. have all partnered in the spirit of these birds. Quite a neat thing to be a part of and experience.

Birthday celebrations were lovely and I'm enjoying 25. Hehe. Not really that it's all that different than 24 and 364 days, but oh well.

The week progresses slowly. Thankfully, I have a 3-day weekend and am visiting my grandparents. The trip is going to be great and we might do some wine-tasting, which should prove enjoyable. One more day. I can make it.

The position I was interested in was extended and I applied for it just because why not. It's unlikely that it will go any further. Why not shoot for something you want? That's what I say. Good for me to pursue some options.

I feel like I'm "all grown up" now and there are no more "days of youth." It's exciting to me. I enjoy the prospects the future brings, including the trials and struggles because I am always learning something.

I got to play with the cutest kittens last night!!! They make me want to run out an get two little tiny ones. They really do entertain each other when you get them at the same age. I may have to eat my words of "never getting another cat after Lou." Who knows ....

Got your package Aubrey and I'm super excited to check out all this new music!! Brianne was wanting some music too, hehe. Thanks and it arrived exactly on my birthday.

Having a great day at work, even though it's Friday, and feeling an excitement that I haven't in a while. Got some training on one of my projects - records retention - and I'm pumped! I'm such an organizer and detailed person that records retention is quite thrilling to me. Plus, I have my fantastic dinner tonight, so I'm happy.

It's nice being happy and it's even better being happy with where I'm at in life right now. Everything is just fine the way it is.

I've discussed job opportunities with several people at work and the consensus is to go for it. The City encourages people to apply for new positions. Bottom line: it never hurts to try. Doesn't mean it will go anywhere or change anything. The process takes about 3-4 months, so if this job opportunity went anywhere, it's very likely I'd be past probation anyhow. Enough said on that.

I'm very thrilled to have my job and learn what I can. I'm not sure being an Agent is going to suit me in the long-term, but it's good to learn what I can. I'm working on learning Access at this point, which is a really good skill. Plus, I'm becoming familiar with the City's FMS reports and how to review them, which is a good skill. I'm learning how to navigate several databases and compile information. All good skills.

Lou is the sweetest cat, but she learned from Tobey. She now meows at me loudly in the morning when she wants food, but, poor thing, I don't give in to her. She has to wait until I'm ready to give her the food. Otherwise, she's a doll. She'll roll over and lay on her back showing me her tummy until I decide to play with her and then she'll run and hide waiting to pounce on the toy. Crazy cat. She needs a balcony to sit on ... someday in the future.

I day left being 24. Cannot believe it's my birthday tomorrow. I've got so many fun things planned this week.

I had a dream about Tobey last night. It was very detailed and involved. I think it's my mind trying to work out and be at peace with the decision I made. It's still hard for me. I cannot think about him for long amounts of time or I just get sad and regretful. He wasn't happy, I wasn't happy, and Lou wasn't happy. Even Brianne can attest, Mary Lou is so much different now. She comes out more, wants to play, is sociable and lovable. She sleeps on my bed again and doesn't hide up on high perches all day. I'm calmer and not getting scratches every day. I just wish I new that he was in a good home. Part of the dream was that he was adopted by people I knew while I was there and he got to go to a ranch type of place and run up and down the roof. I know that part of me is always going to feel guilty that I should have been able to care for him and didn't. Part of me will always wonder if I hadn't ever seen him, he might be in a wonderful, loving home right now. But I cannot play those mind games. I have to move forward.

I'm going to apply for that job. I'm super excited about it, but super cautious. At this point it is just an opportunity. It never hurts to apply even if nothing comes of it. I'm working out my answers to all the supplemental questions at this point. I have until the 30th.

The City Falcons' eggs are due to hatch this week. It's exciting! Can't wait to see the chicks and how the parents are with them.

I need suggestions on healthy sweets, which I know is an oxymoron. I'm trying so hard to eat better and healthier, but the sweets keep getting me. Maybe, I just need to teach myself small amounts of sweets, but I'm such a binger.

I've decided I'm not fond of Mondays, especially the ones following 3-day weekends. It's so hard to get motivated about getting up early to come and sit and tinker with spreadsheets and documents. Trust me, I'm thrilled to have the job, but not thrilled at it's lack of challenge and excitement. I'm thinking about applying for another position, but it's a stretch for me to be real qualified, so I'll see. It doesn't hurt to apply, accept that I'm still on probation. Probably should give this a year and then see how things are.

3 days until my birthday festivities begin!! I'm thrilled. :) I love celebrating birthdays. The big 25 for me. Feels like the true turning point from "young adult" to adult. Whatever that means....

Got to see a long-time friend whom I haven't seen in ages this weekend. It was very nice and she's doing well, but life is tough, and especially tough as a single-mom. Makes me very grateful for everything I have and appreciative of my situation more. I wish there was more I could do to help.

The older I get the more I realize that interpersonal relationships are hard and complicated. It seems like I'm constantly struggling somewhere in some relationship. Partly it's me, partly it's the other person, and partly it's a combination of different personalities. It may sound pompous, but sometimes I think I try too hard and make too much effort and then find myself upset because everyone else doesn't appear to be trying as hard or putting in as much effort. I think my expectations are off and need to be re-adjusted. Plus, I need to start focusing on what is healthy for me and the discipline I need to establish in my life.

Saw a black-crowned night heron yesterday afternoon flying up into a tree as I pulled in to my complex. I was awestruck.

I have an oppurtunity to meet a pregrine falcon this Friday!!! There's an event at the Library and it's my day off. How exciting.

It has begun to dawn on me that life is somewhat about finding the things to look forward to (yes I know it should be things for which to look forward, but that just sounds odd). In reality, perspective and attitude are key. We can choose to focus on the bad and be negative all the time, or we can try to focus on the good and be positive. It's not about taking happy pills or being artificially sugary, but trying to be genuine and sincerely enjoying the events we can. Even the small things can be looked forward to. It just seems like we need to make sure that we give ourselves something to look forward to each day, week, month, etc.

I've got some fun things planned for the weekend. A coastal trip or something like that on Saturday and *hopefully* getting together with a friend I haven't seen in a long time on Sunday.

I get to celebrate my birthday soon, which I always enjoy. I am a bit of a birthday nut! I'd love to skip the hoopla around other holidays and just make big celebrations around people's birthdays. We all deserve a day to feel special, and why not a day a year?

It's that time of year to register my car and get it smogged. Thrilling stuff. Work continues to move forward slowly, but it does help me in my efforts to instill change in my life. I need the routine to help me stick with my "small steps" toward positive change. I figure small steps are the only way to success.

I don't know how many have been following the news, but I'm just horrified by this massive shooting at Virginia Tech this morning. More than 30 people have died because of it and there is no apparent motive or any kind of reason for this slaughter.

Every day when I read the news it's just tragedy and it's sad. The world is full of wonderful things and people are full of good qualities, but that doesn't seem to be reflected in the world today. It's a sad, scary place and we should never take our days for granted.

I'm not quite sure why this incident grabs me, but it does. I'm in disbelief.

And then there's this storm that's devasting the North East. I keep reading the articles about the damage. It's awful. Reminds me of Katrina.

To switch tones

Over the weekend, Jose and Clara had to deal with an intruder. A 2-year old falcon landed on the nest box when Jose was there and Jose had to chase the intruder away. I missed the action, but it sounds exciting! Jose is very dedicated to the eggs. It's cute.

I'm an so thrilled with these peregrine falcons! I get to see them up close on the nest box via the webcam and I joined the Yahoo! Group for them, which has loads of pictures. I put a few here. This small one is of Jose and the other picture is of them both. I LOVE birds! I'm thinking again of (in a few years) starting school again for my degree in bio. Take one class at a time if I have too. I would give anything to work with birds for my job. They are so amazing.

Getting my plans together for my birthday. Yippy. I love celebrating birthdays. I'm having the "girls" dinner at my favorite PF Changs the Friday after my Bday and then going to Bella Vista Restaurant (Off Skyline/Hwy 35) on Saturday. I'm very excited!! The big 25.

Work is slow, but good for me. I need the structure and routine in my life. Plus, the regular income is excellent! I'm still working on budgeting and it's so hard for me. It's become one of my big goals for this year. I'm going to work out a spreadsheet and import the data from Wells Fargo just to start tracking how much I spend where. That should help me see where I need more discipline, where I can cut, and where I need to spend what I'm spending. All that good stuff.

I've cleaned my place a lot and got a room divider, so I'm feeling a lot better about living there. Life after Tobey has been a lot calmer and I'm settling down a lot. I still have this noise paranoia, but it's getting better.

Went to a "power of appreciation" seminar yesterday, which was really good. Gives me new ways to think about appreciating others and myself on a daily basis. It's not easy for me at all, but it's good to start working on it. I've also been reading some articles on anger management, which have been helpful.

I've determined that life only gets more complicated as I get older. The gravity and intensity of the decisions I'm faced with are so much more than when I was a kid. I really enjoy "taking care of myself" and knowing that I am capable and successful. It's scary sometimes, but it feels good.